when it was a heartbreaking experience can be hard. I say goodbye to a group of beautiful women who helped me endure 3 of my 5 years of infertility. I've never met any of them but with the technology of today, I was able to get through the hardest journey of my life. I made the decision not to renew my membership. It was time to move on. Time to put the past behind me and relish in my appreciation for my beautiful little one. The absolute love of my life (sorry, DH, my honey of my life). The trials and tribulations of infertility is great, it does not effect just me but your significant other, and eventually the rest of your family. I consider myself lucky compared to some women whose journey still has not ended or the conclusion was not what one wanted but must accept.
Infertility brought me patience, acceptance, understanding, and perservance. You MUST be your own advocate in your goal of motherhood. I read, and searched, and queried those with greater knowledge or alternative knowledge. I pushed my doctor to find the answer. In the end, there was NO answer. It was inconclusive or by industry term UNEXPLAINED. Who comes up with these terms? Unexplained... You don't tell two people who desire in their hearts a baby..Medically there is no reason. UMMM, yes there is. You need to find it.
Money is the biggest issue for us infertiles. Insurance does not cover testing, procedures, and drugs. Those who do live in mandatory states in the US, consider yourself VERY lucky.
DH & I are part of the lucky statistic of IVF working the first time. Although, it was very calculated on my part. I spent 2 (yes, 2) years having weekly acupuncture, eating a strict diet, and trying various herbs to bring my body BALANCE. Acupuncture healed me and I believe is the reason why the IVF worked. I was stressed out, impatient, and depressed. Infertility will do this to you. I was mentally exhausted or a better term, consumed with achieving motherhood. Unless you've been there, it is a difficult thing to understand.
My pocketbook groans each month and will for many many years to come. I don't regret the choice I made as statistically it was a gamble, due to my age and history of insulin resistance. 50/50 ....those aren't good odds at $20,000 a pop. My specialist and team are considered one of the leading teams in the US in regards to research and success.
Derek said 'let's do it' but he is a gambler at heart. If this didn't work, we would be a family of two the rest of our lives. I cried many a night because it was ultimately my decision. I was soooooo tired of tests, shots, poking, prying, surgeries.
Those that don't know~~ it's just not a few shots. It's pills first, then blood sample, then 2 different kinds of shots 2x a day~most of the time it is for 10 days, with every other day blood draws. This leads you to retrieval..more pills. Then the whomper shots start and because it worked it was 14 weeks of this shot in the bum. Derek is my nurse and I love him more because he would stumble sleepy to my bum and poke :)
3 days later I receive a call of how many survived and were viable, then transfer. On my back for 24hrs. Then time stands still for 12 days till you go in for the LAST blood draw. Tick, tock, tick tock till you receive that call ~~yes or no~~. Will my heart break or be fulfilled?
As I lay my inferility to rest along with any further attempts to enlarge my family, my heart feels sad. My system is winding down. I can feel it but it's part of life. I must let go. Enjoy my family as it is. I am BLESSED. God did hear me but required me to struggle, endure, accept, and be a part of a special group of people that must bring understanding to the world regarding the pain infertility brings. Not all people will understand using medical technology to attain conception, and that's okay. Life provides choices and this was ours.
Goodbye infertility, the journey was hard and my body has the scars to prove it. Years of reminders lay ahead as not all those scars will heal very quickly.
A poem for those who endured infertility:
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.